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this is what i deserve, i let someone in, make everything fit in my life, to incorperate him and then he'll leave, thats what happens when you have the blind leading the blind. people help people who help themselves; i suppose a long time ago i decided that i would not help myself with you. that you were better than me, and more important than me. that is pretty sad, but acceptence is the first step?

stone streets, intermissions during movies, carbonated j-boxes, roken, watches, no eye liner, cussing, 'sir', super moms, fietsen, twenty-four hour clocks.

I can't tell you what is really is, i can only tell you what it feels like

because this is what you do. get up.
blame the liquor for the heaviness. call in late
to work. go to the couch because the bed
is too empty. watch people scream about love
on Jerry Springer. count the ways
it could be worse. it could be last week
when the missing got so big
you wrote him a letter
and sent it. it could be yesterday, no work
to go to, whole day looming.
it could be last month
or the month before, when you still
thought maybe. still carried plans
around with you like talismans.
you could have kissed him last night.
could have gone home with him, given in,
cried after, softly, face to the wall, his heavy arm
around you, hand on your stomach, rubbing.
shower. remember your body. water
hotter than you can stand. sit
on the shower floor. the word
devastated ringing the tub. buildings
collapsed into themselves. ribs
caving toward the spine. recite
the strongest poem you know. a spell
against the lonely that gets you
in crowds and on three hours’ sleep.
wonder where the gods are now.
get up. because death is not
an alternative. because this is what you do.
air like soup, move. door, hallway, room.
pants, socks, shoes. sweater. coat. cold.
wish you were a bird. remember you
are not you, now. you are you
a year from now. how does that
woman walk? she is not sick or sad.
doesn’t even remember today.
has been to Europe. what song
is she humming? now. right now.
that’s it.

when the grass was greener, and your hair was longer

when i get home tonight i'll open the window and let whatever roll in and if there's no breeze, that's cool with me. i'll just raise my sail and wait on the wind.

good is good but bad is worse

+
baking cookies, mouth kisses, making new friends, spending time with old ones, nice dreams, full sleeps, watching fireworks, sleeping in, long hot showers, starbucks, phone calls, cute texts, i love you's, updated ipods, dresses, $$, cuddling, holding hands, mcd lyfe, good change, driving around, being at gabbys house, chicken mr.noodles, limewire being fast, power naps, lemon and sugar crepes, attention, making plans that follow through, walking downtown, cheese pizza, long car rides, headphones that work, new jams, nice weather, people that know you 'too well', new shampoo, finding things, rings, orangle juice with sprite and fruitopeia in it, sprung floor, cheer make-up, half tops, my kitten, buddy and max, new clothes, long nails, dresses, vacations, laughing, looking good, tanning, cinnomon spread and nutella, bianca'a mom's sandwiches, krispy kreme doughnuts, reading a good book, country music, car rides, tulameen, the rope swing, booster juice, bikrams yoga, mama and papa stew, RYE, comfort books, naps, tenting, dehydrated hashbrowns, breakfast dates, harry potter, ginger, sushi, plane rides, waking up next to someone, nice teeth, new retainers, medemblik, pretty little liars, momma parrish's cooking/baking, buns, bronzer, blended naked juice, baby big macs, 130%, cultus lake water slides, lemonade, boating, greek salad, big girl panties, RYLA

the white buffalo

'Hi Jessica:

Congratulations on being selected for the Rotary Youth Exchange year. You are about to start on an incredible experience which will change your life.

Your application has gone to the Netherlands. I cannot guarantee 100% that you will be accepted by the host district until the Guarantee forms are returned to me. However it is very rare for an application to be refused. The exact location of the host club will not be known until the guarantee forms are returned.

I suggest you start working on the Dutch language and research the country customs. It is wise to go with as much knowledge of your host country as possible.'

i held him in my arms at night and saw parts of his soul turn to ash. then i saw him reborn, with a stone in place of his heart

for sandy 1945 - 1998

1.
You came to me this morning
And you handled me like meat
You'd have to be a man to know
How good that felt how sweet
My mirror twin my next of kin
I'd know you in my sleep
And who but you would take me in
A thousand kisses deep

I loved you when you opened
Like a lily to the heat
I'm just another snowman
Standing in the rain and sleet
Who loved you with his frozen love
His second-hand physique
With all he is and all he was
A thousand kisses deep

I know you had to lie to me
I know you had to cheat
To pose all hot and high behind
The veils of sheer deceit
Out perfect porn aristocrat
So elegant and cheap
I'm old but I'm still into that
A thousand kisses deep

And I'm still working with the wine
Still dancing cheek to cheek
The band is playing Auld Lang Syne
The heart will not retreat
I ran with Diz and Dante
I never had their sweep
But once or twice they let me play
A thousand kisses deep

The autumn slipped across your skin
Got something in my eye
A light that doesn't need to live
And doesn't need to die
A riddle in the book of love
Obscure and obsolete
Till witnessed here in time and blood
A thousand kisses deep

I'm good at love I'm good at hate
It's in between I freeze
Been working out but it's too late
It's been too late for years
But you look fine you really do
The pride of Boogie Street
Somebody must have died for you
A thousand kisses deep

I loved you when you opened
Like a lily in the heat
I'm just another snowman
Standing in the rain and sleet
But you don't need to hear me now
And every word i speak
It count against me anyhow
A thousand kisses deep

2.
The ponies run the girls are young
The odds are there to beat
You win a while and then it's done
Your little winning streak
And summoned now to deal
With you invincible defeat
You live you life as if it's real
A thousand kisses deep

I'm tuning tricks I'm getting fixed
I'm back on Boogie Street
You loose your grip and then you slip
Into the Masterpiece
And maybe i had miles to drive
And promises to keep
You ditch it all to stay alive
A thousand kisses deep

Confined to sex we press against
The limits of the sea
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me
I made it to the forward deck
I blessed our remnant fleet
And then consented to be wrecked
A thousand kisses deep

I'm turning tricks, I'm getting fixed
I'm back on Boogie Street
I guess they won't exchange the gifts
That you were meant to keep
And sometimes when the night is slow
The wretched and the meek
We gather up our hearts and go
A thousand kisses deep

And fragrant is the thought of you
The file you complete
Except what we forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep

the poinsonwood bible

this is why, little beast. i'd lost my wings. don't ask me how i gained them back - the story is too unbearable. i trusted too long in false reassurances, believing as we all want to do when men speak of the national interest, that it's also ours.

serious delirious imperious weary us delirious ways

oh, it's a fine and useless enterprise, trying to fix destiny. that trail leads straight back to the time before we ever lived, and in to that deep well it's east to cast curses like stones on our ancestors. but that's nothing more than cursing ourselves and all that made us.