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this is what i deserve, i let someone in, make everything fit in my life, to incorperate him and then he'll leave, thats what happens when you have the blind leading the blind. people help people who help themselves; i suppose a long time ago i decided that i would not help myself with you. that you were better than me, and more important than me. that is pretty sad, but acceptence is the first step?

stone streets, intermissions during movies, carbonated j-boxes, roken, watches, no eye liner, cussing, 'sir', super moms, fietsen, twenty-four hour clocks.

I can't tell you what is really is, i can only tell you what it feels like

because this is what you do. get up.
blame the liquor for the heaviness. call in late
to work. go to the couch because the bed
is too empty. watch people scream about love
on Jerry Springer. count the ways
it could be worse. it could be last week
when the missing got so big
you wrote him a letter
and sent it. it could be yesterday, no work
to go to, whole day looming.
it could be last month
or the month before, when you still
thought maybe. still carried plans
around with you like talismans.
you could have kissed him last night.
could have gone home with him, given in,
cried after, softly, face to the wall, his heavy arm
around you, hand on your stomach, rubbing.
shower. remember your body. water
hotter than you can stand. sit
on the shower floor. the word
devastated ringing the tub. buildings
collapsed into themselves. ribs
caving toward the spine. recite
the strongest poem you know. a spell
against the lonely that gets you
in crowds and on three hours’ sleep.
wonder where the gods are now.
get up. because death is not
an alternative. because this is what you do.
air like soup, move. door, hallway, room.
pants, socks, shoes. sweater. coat. cold.
wish you were a bird. remember you
are not you, now. you are you
a year from now. how does that
woman walk? she is not sick or sad.
doesn’t even remember today.
has been to Europe. what song
is she humming? now. right now.
that’s it.

when the grass was greener, and your hair was longer

when i get home tonight i'll open the window and let whatever roll in and if there's no breeze, that's cool with me. i'll just raise my sail and wait on the wind.

good is good but bad is worse

+
baking cookies, mouth kisses, making new friends, spending time with old ones, nice dreams, full sleeps, watching fireworks, sleeping in, long hot showers, starbucks, phone calls, cute texts, i love you's, updated ipods, dresses, $$, cuddling, holding hands, mcd lyfe, good change, driving around, being at gabbys house, chicken mr.noodles, limewire being fast, power naps, lemon and sugar crepes, attention, making plans that follow through, walking downtown, cheese pizza, long car rides, headphones that work, new jams, nice weather, people that know you 'too well', new shampoo, finding things, rings, orangle juice with sprite and fruitopeia in it, sprung floor, cheer make-up, half tops, my kitten, buddy and max, new clothes, long nails, dresses, vacations, laughing, looking good, tanning, cinnomon spread and nutella, bianca'a mom's sandwiches, krispy kreme doughnuts, reading a good book, country music, car rides, tulameen, the rope swing, booster juice, bikrams yoga, mama and papa stew, RYE, comfort books, naps, tenting, dehydrated hashbrowns, breakfast dates, harry potter, ginger, sushi, plane rides, waking up next to someone, nice teeth, new retainers, medemblik, pretty little liars, momma parrish's cooking/baking, buns, bronzer, blended naked juice, baby big macs, 130%, cultus lake water slides, lemonade, boating, greek salad, big girl panties, RYLA

the white buffalo

'Hi Jessica:

Congratulations on being selected for the Rotary Youth Exchange year. You are about to start on an incredible experience which will change your life.

Your application has gone to the Netherlands. I cannot guarantee 100% that you will be accepted by the host district until the Guarantee forms are returned to me. However it is very rare for an application to be refused. The exact location of the host club will not be known until the guarantee forms are returned.

I suggest you start working on the Dutch language and research the country customs. It is wise to go with as much knowledge of your host country as possible.'